


The Fall of Icarus

by Turtlepearlove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Amnesia, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 12:17:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turtlepearlove/pseuds/Turtlepearlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Sam Winchester wakes up in a hospital bed and a killer headache. Memory tricky at best, remembers things in bits and pieces, of a tired looking brother and a stranger at the foot of his bed, and a story that everyone but he remembers.<br/>Inspired by the book 'When God was a rabbit'</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fall of Icarus

The memory is foggy at best, as he stumbles about in grass as high as his knees.

“Don’t follow us” comes a disembodied voice ahead, and he can make out two silhouettes against the harsh glare of sunlight.  
It’s a boy, a taller one and his sandy blonde hair shines golden against the sunlight  
“don’t follow us Sammy”

And that is how he remembers his name as Sam.  
...

Of Dean’s earliest memories has Castiel crawling into his bed. He was 12 then and Cas didn't quite understand the concept of personal space.  
He pulls Dean’s blankets up to his cheeks and blows air into his face

“Dean” in a low whine, his cold feet crowd against Dean’s  
“Deeean”  
“are you asleep?”

Dean reluctantly peeks through “Yea” he breaths out  
“can I tell you a secret?”

He is halfway through already and Dean can already tell. Castiel mouth’s thinned out and his brows wrinkled as he looks at Dean like he holds all the answers to the world and reaches over and presses his lips against his.

“Eww dude” Dean furiously wiped his lips and shoves Cas.  
“What the hell?”

“Aren't you supposed to like that?” and exhaled noisily like Dean is a puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit. “because Mr. Gonzales said that really good friends do that to each other”  
And Dean’s grip on his wrist tightens “what?”

And Castiel repeats, even though he is pretty sure Dean heard it well enough the first time, “did he touch you anywhere else?” and Castiel wants to pull away cause Dean’s grip on his wrist is starting to hurt.

But he wants to tell, because those visits did leave him with a vague sense of shame and guilt and lemonade still makes him want to throw up. Those sickly sweet smell of lemons and magnolias that used to linger in Mr.Gonzales living room.  
It would take Castiel years to realize the weight of that burden on Dean’s shoulders that he had forced a 12 year old to grow up. “I will find you better friends Cas” he whispers and lets Cas sleep in his bed that night.

\---

When Sam wakes up there is man in a trench coat waiting for him, in some tax accountant outfit and really blue eyes.  
“Sam” he breathes out “you are awake”

Sam smiles a bit awkwardly, a bit stiffly “I am sorry” he feels the need to say “but i don't...”

“Remember me, yes the doctor was kind enough to inform”

Sam may not remember anything about his past but there is something oddly unsettling about the man, by the stiffness with which he sits on the edge of the plastic chairs. Sam doubts they were good friends when he did have his memories.  
“well Dean has been here for three days and I insisted he take a bath at least”

At Sam’s blank looks adds “your brother”  
Sam smiles a bit awkwardly because he doesn't know how to react (is he supposed to smile, nod, exclaim?) so he settles for sitting up a little straighter, “you can leave you know” he says matter of fact “I was alone for a week”

“I couldn't possibly”  
And trails off at that, the silence is tense. Sam nods and takes a sip of his water and thankfully slips back into sleep.

\---

Sam really doesn't know the story whole, but he was just 6 months old was the house fire that killed their mother.

And John had coming running out with the edges of his night suit still burning red that he handed a wailing Sam to a five year old Dean  
“take care of Sammy”  
And that moment everything had changed, for Dean that distant wailing bundle that mom shushed to sleep had become his responsibility.

And for so many years hence, when dad had thrown himself into work and later into scotch, it would be Dean that held Sam tight.  
But Sam never hears that story and Dean never tells him.

\---

River heights is the only home that Sam ever remembers, and for three blissful years it was theirs. Of unexplored woodlands and hidden alcoves within fallen trees and grass that crunched wetly beneath their feet.

Dean was an unselfish child- Sam would later think. Of sharing every new hidden corner discovered- their secrets from the world.  
And even on days when the mechanic shop wasn't enough to sustain Dad’s restlessness to his abrupt hunting trips, they would crawl up to the open roof and eat bread beneath the night sky and pretend they were sailors.

Ellen Harvelle was only a temporary solution to their education problem, for Sam the nicest of her smiles to the strict glares that brought Dean to line (but he always knew in the heart of his hearts that Ellen's softest smiles were for Dean). And for three years this served them fine, and when Dean hit 11 it was a collective decision that the local middle school would serve him fine.

That day Sam had spent hunched up in their hidden tree hollow till Dean came back. “School is just ok Sammy” Dean bit into his apple “though there is this boy, Castiel or something, he is really weird”

That was the first he heard of that name, angel of Thursday, and Dean spent the day talking about how Castiel thought it was okay to wear his coat indoors or stick tassels on his back like angel wings.

Sam thought he was fascinating, even when Dean snorted and rolled his eyes, “boys don’t like shiny things Sammy” he insisted “have you ever seen dad in anything glittery”

And Sam dreamed of a boy with tassels in his hair with long hair that spun round and round till he became a blur.

\---

Castiel would still remember the day when Dean Winchester looked at his tassels and rolled his eyes. When he sat in the corner then, Dean had brought with him the purple ones and said “they go better with the pink and silver anyway”

Dean thinks a big family would be a happy one. Not that between him Sammy and dad things were terribly unhappy, just that he thinks three older brothers and a younger sister would make a happier one.

But of course when Luke and Micheal start their screaming matches Castiel is just happy that Dean lives nearby. Even when he sort of looks surprised at a pyjama clad Cas, asking if he can sleep over tonight.

\---

The second time Sam wakes up, there is a man at the foot of his bed- short cropped hair and really green eyes, “Sam” he breathes out.

He looks a bit uncertain and settles for perching on the edges of the bed “you really gave us a scare Sammy, we had no idea”  
Sam shakes his head, an overwhelming urge to apologize and crushes it down. But he really doesn't know, it’s a stranger after all.

“I was a bit disoriented after the accident”  
There are news-reports of what happened, that teary eyed nurses tell him that ‘he is really lucky’ of his office building that came crashing down in rubbles, of wayside roses and candle lights in street corners, smiling faces in plastic stare back listlessly.

“I really thought you didn’t...”

Dean looks away for a second, like that line of thought is too painful to bear “after all you are the only one left” there is a self deprecating smile at that.

And Sam feels like an imposter, in someone else’s skin, for someone else’s love “I feel tired” he says instead. Dean jumps up like clockwork “of course” and smiles “I will call the nurse” and Sam shuts his eyes.

\---

School provides a different kind of hierarchy and Dean fears that Sam would not able to quiet grasp. Dean, in the struggle that 14 year olds face, finds out to his surprise that Sam fits in just fine on his own. Of course Matty with his nerdy glasses and Emma with her braces wouldn’t be the friends that Dean would pick for Sam. But then his brother is all smiles lunging up the telescope off to the roof Dean doesn't mind.

But Sundays still mean brunches at the pier with his brother and sort of best friend.  
“It really isn't the same thing” Sam tries to explain holding up Cas’s honey and cheese sandwich.

“why not?” Cas tilts his head “If peanut butter and jelly works on the same logic”  
And Dean doesn't even complain when Cas puts his head on the shoulder.

\---

The next time Sam dreams, it’s of him on the foot of the staircase. The lights to the hallway is shut off, he can still hear noises of people moving, whispering.

For a second he thinks it’s a prank, he imagines his brother and Castiel in the darkness giggling to themselves at Sam’s apparent fear.

And he sees them, barely that it takes a few minutes for his eyes to adjust. He can only make out Dean the first time, and then Cas pinned beneath him, arching up fingers curled against Dean’s hair. And by the noises Cas makes, it almost feels like Dean is hurting him and Sam stumbles away, guilt and fear churning thickly in his stomach.

Dean who perpetually tells him off at being girly, Dean who doesn't like shiny things, Dean who thinks football is the only sport worth watching, is kissing another boy.

And he hides inside his sheet, eyes shut tightly hoping the urge to throw up would disappear over the night.  
\---

Sam sees the man on the hospital’s rickety chairs, he is slumped over head lolling in an awkward angle.

Sam searched for the boy in his dreams in the man’s face, with his unhappy set of mouth and a month old beard Sam couldn't find him.  
“Oh Sam you are awake” he said blearily rubbing his eyes.

There was an awkward pause then as he made his way to the bed “the doctors told me you can’t remember”  
Sam nodded, wincing at the sharp pain that followed.

He stood at the edge of his bed, hovering, uncertain and Sam only remembered those green eyes brighter.  
He looked tired, weary, “am Dean” he said “your brother”

And Sam wanted to say ‘I know I remember’ instead, nodded and Dean smiled that looked unhappy and rang for the nurse.  
Sam liked the nurse, something about her hair, white blonde that he wanted to touch.

She was nice, unassuming and when they talked, of the weather and everyday trivialities he felt a little light hearted, a little unburdened from the expectation in his brother’s eyes.

\---

To Sam it’s like seeing through a mirror broken, and everything looks fragmented and distorted, the way Dean’s hand’s stay on Cas, the way they look at each other, those lingering private smiles makes something burn fierce inside.

He loses his brother in pieces, slipping through the edges of his fingers as Dean stays out longer, later nights that make him return with a smile, the impala a constant absence from the driveway and Sam doesn't get to ride shotgun anymore.

In his head he starts hating Castiel, of those constantly stoic expression and weird clothes and brother stealing ways.

So it is Sam who comes to know at first, he hears it from Rachel, the tiny annoying know-it-all “anyway Uncle thinks it’s beast we move to a bigger town for Mike and Luce’s education”  
Sam turns his head so sharply that he gives himself a whiplash “Castiel is moving”

His glee is ill concealed, Rachel turns her nose “as I was saying” she says to her friends, but Sam is mostly done.  
\---

Dean looks even more tired when he steps in, smiles thinly “the doctor said you could leave in a couple of days”  
Sam smiles back, a little warmer, a little guilty.

Sammy lived in a little world in River heights where Dean made up for the absentee father, a dead mother and a best friend rolled into one. A role model, a secret keeper that little Sammy had so desperately wanted to hold on to.

Sam looks at his brother in a stranger’s face and tries t smile instead “Do I have a house?”  
Dean nods “you have an apartment” there is a hint of warning as he begins “I will be staying with you for a few days”

His tone books no argument, Sam relents.

He tries to start again, questions of how Castiel came back after all, of whether the house in river heights remain, Dean flips through a magazine unseeing, face set and Sam wonders if the distance always existed.


End file.
